2020 is THE year of extreme change (change is challenging – extreme change is scary AF).
It is the most bizarre and yet most profound year of my life thus far, and I am turning 54 in a few days.
There have been so many occasions where I have gone into extreme fear mode, feeling like I have nothing to hang my hat on that feels safe and secure.
And I am a hippy-gypsy, risk taker at heart.
Instead of going over the deep end, I have been looking at this year as MY year of REINVENTION.
We were blind sided with this virus (all conspiracy theories aside), and no matter how it has effected you – positively or negatively – you are not the same person now or ever will be, as who you were going into this thing.
Everyone on the planet is affected by these times, no matter of gender, age, orientation, race, creed, bias, rich or poor, whether you are a lover or a hater (with an incredible amount of love vs hate going on).
What’s come up for me these past 6 months is my internal, deep-rooted need for feeling safe and secure.
First I had to clear up the external feelings of lack of safety about money and business.
Then I was able to work on my core root feelings of not being safe (which is not something I set out to do – it just showed up!).
I have spent a great deal of my time and energy going to the depths of my psyche and being-ness, with the help of psychedelics, breath work, EFT (thank God for you Corby!), doing and being in a space of natural nothingness to explore the crushing fears that always loom in the background (and that I have craftly ignored in my busy-ness for most of my life!).
Now I was face to face with the beast. Holy shit she was/is one scary monster!
These times have forced me to look my beast in the eye, not to slay her, but to embrace and love her (after all she has kept me safe – ironic!).
My beast has ‘forced’ me to look at the truth.
(As I write this I still have a fear of judgement from others – probably why it took me three weeks to write this).
So REINVENTION is a beautiful outcome but the journey there is scary AF.
Why? Because it can’t happen without doing this one thing first: DISCONNECT from the old self.
Shit – the old self is safe because it’s what I know!
You have to embrace it and go through the dark tunnel of the unknown, a journey you need to take alone, but with support on the sidelines.
Disconnection is a contraction and it needs to be grieved – in order to create the expansion – which is Connection to the other side.
It deserve a ceremony, because without that part, you would not be here today!
Disconnection is two-fold: external (divorce, losing a job, moving, losing weight, health, death of a loved one and so on);
and internal (patterns and habits of behaviours, thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires and fears).
In this process of disconnection, I let go of my business, money, pre-2020 future life plans (all things that kept me feeling safe and secure).
That’s when the beast showed up, which I am eternally grateful for.
Not gonna lie, I battle the beast daily, but from a place of witnessing myself, my old thought patterns and beliefs and honouring the death of the old me.
Note: I am truly saddened by the harsh outcome this pandemic caused because so many people lost their
lives and their loved ones.
I feel they paid the heavy price for world reinvention and for the rest of us who choose to personally reinvent.
I am deeply grateful for their sacrifice.
My gift back to the world is to step into My Truth so that I can serve the world in a bigger, bolder way.
I wonder where my life would be right now if it weren’t for all things pandemic- It makes me shiver to think about it now that I see the light at the end of that dark tunnel of the unknown (not without a lot of scared shitless moments).
It’s allowed me to grow in every area of my life, to re-evaulate how I think and feel about my body, my age, my ’status’, my values, goals, desires, wants, don’t wants, people, family…basically everything has been reinvented, reborn.
Make no mistake, there is this ’no man’s land’ or ‘dark hole’ between Disconnection and Reinvention.
If you can stomach it, it’s a trip of a lifetime and so worth it.